Person who cooks stuff in front of a camera Rachael Ray celebrated her 40th birthday (happy birthday, Rach, btw) by jumping out of flying aircraft and seeing the doctor. This girl knows how to party!! These two events are not related. She wore a parachute and the doctor thing was just a routine check up. With that everything is fine except she has bruised vocal cords.

She says (and I’m so thankful that she finally admits this to herself - it’s the first step, you know) “I never shut up long enough for that to heal,” according to OMG!, “They’re going to try to teach me how to speak properly. I don’t know if an old dog can learn new tricks, but I’m going to try.”

“She has been taking antacids, downing herbal tea and using an Echinacea spray. ‘I must learn how to change the way I speak,’ she said.”

Excellent news for us all. However, I question the true cause of her malady. Perhaps she should knock of the yelling at assistants followed by gargling Starbucks. This from walletpop: “Back in January, Rachael Ray reportedly had a hissy fit when an assistant handed her a Dunkin Donuts coffee to drink between takes of a Dunkin Donuts commercial. According to a food blog, the domestic diva reportedly demanded that someone ‘bring me MY coffee’ before continuing. All was well in with the world when someone handed her a Starbucks caf?.”

You know, if one more person uses the phrase “domestic diva” to describe one of these crafty, cleaning, cooking show people I’m going to take a hostage, but I digress…

(Rachael: um, yeah, this Dunkin Donuts coffee stuff, is like, sooo great. Buy it.)

Her coffee? Wow. She does have her own dog food. I didn’t know she had her own coffee, too. I wonder if the assistant brought it to her in a sippy cup and read her a story until little miss grumpy-pant’s tempter tantrum subsided long enough for her to go back to endorsing the check… I mean product that she so clearly is above drinking?

Well, she got back at them. In a not so passive, but yet aggressive, even terrorist (sarcasm folks) act she lashes out at Dunkin Donuts for making her take their money and endorse their less than Starbuckian coffee. She. Wore. A. Scarf! Shocking! If you are a true American you will check this out!

Those two pieces of fabric are so similar! It’s like she pulled it right off of Yasir Arafat’s head! Personally, I thought she looked pretty cute, but now I have to run and burn a table cloth I have. If you’ll excuse me….

In the mean time, I have a proposition that will solve both Rachael’s vocal problems and her anti-American, pro-Palestinian accessorizing problem (more sarcasm):

Jennifer Mienko