Disappointingly, Paris Hilton is not as eager to be blasted into the nether regions of space as we are to blast her. You’d think she would be first in line considering her affinity for nether regions, but such is not the case.

Radar Online reports, in the Fresh Intelligence section, on Paris’ lack thereof.

“Don’t count on Paris Hilton to take a trek on the inaugural flight of Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic space cruiser. Before Paris Hilton boldly goes where no heiress has gone before, she has to overcome her fear of flying — into space.

‘I’m very scared to do it,’ said she, who fears becoming an airless head. ‘What if I don’t come back? With the whole light-years thing, what if I come back 10,000 years later, and everyone I know is dead? I’ll be like, ‘Great. Now I have to start all over.’”

I know, that “light-years thing” can be such a bitch, what with all the, like, convertin’ and thinkin’ and junk. A real pain in the ass! But 10,000 years later? Really? She would be a fricking scientific discovery at that point. Hell, just figuring out what keeps her head from imploding would keep them stumped. I don’t think she really needs to worry about rebuilding her vast empire at that point, but should rather focus on not being dissected.

“Meanwhile, Madonna and Apollo 13 star Tom Hanks are among the celebs who are expected to pony up the 200K for a round trip 50,000 feet from earth.”

50,000 feet is waaaayyyyyyy less than a light-year. I’m no rocket scientist (unlike Paris), but if she got trapped in space 50,000 feet up she’d be gone, like, a week and would return to Earth only to find it oddly bummed out for having what appears to be a global week-long celebration about something.

Jennifer Mienko